trippin on my cane.

i just got back from the interview at the rehab. center and i seriously doubt that i'm gonna get a call back. it wasn't anything i did wrong at the interview because i don't remember saying anything wrong. the lady who interviewed me went out of her way to say a few times, "well, this job deals a lot with getting up and going places in the rehab. center.." she had to have been feeling unsure about my cane, because i don't think she would've brought it up to a person without a cane.. well, not as much as she did anyway (i think it was 3 or maybe 4 times). so i DID go outta my way to explain why i was using a cane, so i didn't have the idea she was assuming shit that was totally untrue, possibly making my chances at getting the job lower (even though i doubt she would've even kept bringing up how the receptionist was always on the go if it didn't matter to her that i had a cane). she told me that i'd hear from her if i DID get the job and i instantly thought, "so she's telling me that i won't hear from her and not to even bother her since she's not gonna get back to me.". so next job i guess. someone is bound to see my desire and persistence eventually. it started to make sense to me why i'm seeing a lot of people on the streets with signs. if a smart ass feels like telling them to go out and get a job.. I'VE BEEN TRYING AT LEAST FOR THE PAST TWENTY FUCKING YEARS. employers aren't interested in hiring a liability. easier said than done, you entitled jackasses. "why doesn't she just go to courage kenny like all the other stupid disabled people?!" they underestimate my potential and ability just to continue acting like they're helping me doing easy ass shit and counting on me to think they're actually TRYING to help me get stronger and taking advantage of a vulnerable adult who doesn't have caring advocacy all the fuckin time. how would you fuckin like it to be kept doing the SAME shit since you were fuckin 16 years old (so that's 24 years) and having people get paid for taking advantage of your vulnerability and considered "helpful"?! you wouldn't. if you are saying, "THEY'RE JUST TRYING TO HELP! YOU AREN'T LETTING THEM HELP!" fuck you. you're part of the problem. EVERY FUCKIN TIME I'VE BEEN TO THAT OVERPAID HELL HOLE- THEY'VE ALWAYS TRIED TO SET ME UP ON THE FUCKIN NU-STEP AND ASSUME THAT I'LL FEEL LIKE THEY'RE ACTUALLY TRYING TO HELP. that machine DOES NOT help me physically the way I need to be helped. my damn living room wall could operate that shit. this is the kinda shit i get expected to put up with in this fuckin state. you're a fuckin selfish naive idiot if you don't understand my position in this situation. I'M DONE WITH THAT SHIT. I STARTED IT WHEN I WAS 16 WITH HOPES THAT THEY'D START PROGRESSING ME TO ACTUALLY GET STRONGER.. DID THEY?! HELL NO. the fact that you idiots won't even stop to consider my position in this situation just tells me exactly why i am where i am and not accomplishing MY goals since i was 16. BECAUSE MY FAMILY AND EVERYONE ELSE SUPPOSEDLY SUPPORTING ME ARE SELFISH, CARELESS, DICKS. you can try to say, "oh i helped you when you were in a wheelchair." THAT'S BECAUSE GRANDMA MADE YOU, BUM. i remember calling her several times at your apartment when i needed something and i was in a wheelchair but your selfish ass HAD to go to the bar to play pool with her stupid little boyfriends. she eventually came into town on the weekends and sat with me when you couldn't even fulfill your parental responsibilities for a weekend when i came to your house to really see grandma since you obviously don't give a fuck about me. MY TWO BOWEL INCISIONS ON MY STOMACH PROVE THAT, ASSHOLE. i don't know why you read my blog all the time. i'm never gonna praise you after the shit i've been through because of you. you couldn't even take accountability or even bring up the traumatic situations in my life. no.. i had to put two and two together and have reminiscing dreams about being kicked by my own dad because YOU decided to hold me in front of you while he was kicking you. i tried to make sense of this.. i can't. i know you wouldn't even hold one of your dogs in front of you while being kicked by your husband. you must've secretly loathed our father and are taking it out on his kids (since my brother is the only other kid you had with him.. my sister's father is a whole different dick) i'm not gonna say that you wouldn't hold jay (my brother) in front of you while being kicked because you probably would. i'm pretty sure you wouldn't hold amy in front of you though.. you actually care for ONE of your kids. why didn't you just have one kid? you obviously can't handle the responsibility of three. who knows? i don't understand stupid people and i'm not even gonna try. i was just reminded of the virtual interview i have at 2 for the verizon provider.. i'll just have to try again to get this job.